Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle? A. None It should be open when she brings it to you…

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary? A. You get chirpees, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What do you call a séance-holding midget who escapes from prison? A. Small medium at large.

Q. What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit bull? A. A dog that bites off your leg and then runs for help.

Q. Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A. So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Q. How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just Juan…

Q. What's red and has seven little dents? A. Snow White’s cherry...

Q. How do you get an elephant into a grocery store? A. Take the "S" out of Safe and the "F" out of Way. (There's no "F" in Way.)

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A. Donuts.

Q. What's pink and hard? A. A pig with a flick knife…

Q. What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? A. "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."

Q. What do you get when you give a lawyer Viagra? A. A much taller lawyer…

Q. Why do women have two sets of lips? A. One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with. (erm… sorry, its just a joke!

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? A. A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Q. How do you know when the wife is taking too many steroids? A. You come home one evening, she strips you, throws you on the couch and fucks you up the arsehole with her clitoris!

Q. Why is Christmas like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat git in the suit gets all the credit.

Q. What would Superman say if he was Jewish? A. "Up, up, up and Oy Vey!"

Q. What happens when you eat beans and peanut butter? A. You get a fart that sticks to the roof of your arse.

Q. Where do you weigh a pie? A. Somewhere over the rainbow - weigh a pie…

Q. What do communist countries do with the foreskin after a circumcision? A. They fry it and make dic-tators!